How do you Mend a Broken Heart?

How do you mend a broken heart? A cheesey song by the Brothers Gibb? or a very real pain.

So now I know. I know more than I did yesterday. I have more questions. All the while I'm struggling to make sense of why it affects me so, and why it hurts so bad, when you have every right to do what you want, with whomever you want. Lord knows I have my limitations and can't give you everything you need. The fact that you give me attention and love even though I have limitations means the world to me.

So why do I feel so bad? Simple jealousy? Possibly. She got what I have wanted and waited for six years for. And didn't have to do a goddamn thing but be young and beautiful, sweet and innocent to get it. You see that? Do you see that I feel like I've devoted myself to being your friend, you support, your confidant, and yes, even your lover ... and in walks a vision of sweetness and light, and doesn't devote anything, doesn't have to change herself, doesn't have to give till it hurts. She grabs your attention without lifting a finger. Without tears.

Even now I struggle to write what I'm feeling in deference to not making you feel bad.

So let me be bluntly honest for a moment. There are days when I feel taken for granted. Kinda like Mikey in the Life commercials. Give it to her, she'll do anything. And maybe I hate myself more because I can't stand up and say, enough of this bullshit. Its where being this perfect submissive personality collides with wanting a bit for myself.

And were does being your submissive fit in to all this? In those months were you so busy, besides missing you so much, was that feeling that I wanted to feel owned again. I know its a fact, and that dynamic is always in the background. But, there was something in me that wanted you to acknowledge it directly. I think that's why I literally begged you to help me. Which felt ridiculous. Absolutely and completely ridiculous. Still does. And I was honest, yesterday when I helped out at the house I wasn't directly going against an order in my head. I just simply wasn't thinking. But later, when I realized it, for moments, I actually felt defiant.

Do I hate what you did? No. Do I hate her? No. Do I hate you? No.

I hate what I'm not. Do you see that? Isn't it possible that I don't really hate you at all? But that I hate myself. I hate everything I can't be to you. I hate that I can't stand up and ask for more without feeling selfish and guilty. I hate that I look in the mirror and can't see anything but an aging, average Mom. I hate that the only person I trust right now is Danielle. I hate not feeling safe. And I hate that I'm making this about me. Because in the back of my mind, I think that if I did place my needs first, I wouldn't be able to enjoy or handle it.