Roller Coaster

Maybe if I was an experienced roller coaster rider, I would already know the feeling. That rise of anticipation before a fall. The steady build. Each click bringing you closer to that edge. Knowing its going to happen, now matter how hard your heart pounds. You are now strapped in for the ride, and its taking you with it, no matter how hard you scream that you want off.

And most roller coaster devotees will tell you that they get back on every time. They crave the rush. The thrill. The unknown. The known.

Saturday, standing in that dressing room after speaking with him, I felt the ascent. That rush of unknowing the known. I knew that eventually I'd cease to exist and yet I'd be the one standing alone at the end of the day, waiting in that terrible anticipation of what was to come next.

Click

Who would I be tomorrow? Would I be diminished? Oh don't compare yourself, be your own person. Fuck, who is that again? Devoted Mother? Loyal Friend? Who am I again? Jesus, its hard to remember on the ascent. Who the fuck do I have to be again? Oh yeah, that one. The one who waits. Who does what she's told. That's right. I'll be fine. I'll be just fine.

Click.

What's he doing now? Did he kiss her? oh my God, what if he did? I'm going to die. Oh don't be so melodramatic you idiot you are going to be fine. You're loved, right?

Click.

Fuck this shit, I don't care what he does. He can screw his Boss for all I care.

Click.

Well, I spent money. I feel better. Clothes look decent. Suppose that's a plus. The Kidlet has been a good girl today. Deb's always sweet to me. I guess things aren't so bad.

Click.

I'll bet she's soft. I'll bet she's sweet. Oh my god. Shake it off, girl.

Click.

Well that was fun. Kidlet made some new friends. Family seemed good. Got some stuff I've needed. Wonder how the day went for him.

Click.

Holy shit I can't breathe. He has kissed her for the first time, and now he's going to forget me. I'll be back to being ye old support system. Fuck me straight up the ass sideways, I'm screwed.

Click.

Time to go to bed. Tomorrow I'll know. It will be ok. I'll have a good day. Don't have to do much. Have to run out to the house. Come home and spend time with my kidlet. Plant some flowers. Blessed sleep.

Click.

7:30 ish. Damn it I can't sleep. I know its bad. I'm going to hurt. Its going to hurt badly.

Click.

Well, he's really wondering how my day went. When is he going to tell me damn it.

Click.

He kissed her twice.

Click, pause, scream. Down the hill.

I can't breathe.

Rushing

Steady girl, you've got the whole day ahead of you. Fuck him. Fuck him all to goddamn holy hell.

Rushing

What am I going to do now? I can't compare. I'm just me. I'm average. I'm just the smart one. I'm not pretty. I'm not anything really. I'm just the go-to girl.

Rushing

He held her cheek, softly. Oh my god, I can't take it.

Rushing

He doesn't want you to hurt. Yeah. Ok. I know that. I do. He loves me. He does.

Rushing

I slept and dreamed he made me watch them. I'm going to be sick.

Rushing.

I so goddamn horny from all the crying. Son of Bitch made me like this. Goddamn him.

Rushing.

Why do I want him more now than ever. I hate this. I hate me.

Rushing

Cumming, oh my god, the tears. I can't take it. The world is upside down.

Rushing

He still wants me, dear god, thank you. Thank you so much.

Slowing

He's yelling at me? What the fuck did I do to deserve that?

Slowing

Fuck this, I get a say in how I feel

Slowing

God, I still need him.

Slowing

I still want him.

Stop.



Wanna fuck?

Click

"Would you hate me if it happens again?"

And the ride starts over.