What Ifs and Heartache

It starts as an "if". Once I heard worry described as the infinite web of "what if". I think in my lifetime I've spun some very eloborate webs. Once there is one "if" in my brain, it can't be stopped. I will keep adding them. Like links in a chain that bind me to some unimaginable fate.

So, its Saturday morning, at 6:43 am. And whether she ends up going with you or not, I know that sometime this weekend you will see her. And when you do, your mind and body will react. She will, of course, smile and hug you after being gone for so long. You will hug her back, and I will think of how you are loving the feel of her against you. Maybe you will pat her on the ass. Maybe you'll whisper something to her. A sweet nothing. Maybe she will purr in your ear.

Do you see how my thoughts work? Its not just one thought, like "Will he kiss her". It is so many possibilities, that my brain literally can not grasp them all at once. It spins itself in so many directions that I literally cannot stop it. I effectively become that mess of a person that you love to hear sobbing. But, I can't show it. The people around me have no idea. Everything is status quo, I continue to present that facade to the world, while my heart breaks. It is a pain that wraps itself around who I am. Who am I? I'm yours. And my mind struggles to wrap itself around the idea that I have to accept that this is what you want, and the fact that I hate it. I hate it with a passion.

So, that thought, like "He's touching her. I wonder what he'll get her to do next" literally becomes a thousand thoughts at once. Every one of them stabs me like a dagger. You know why these thoughts are so powerful? Because I know you better than anyone, and I know how you can get people to do what you want. I know if you really wanted to you could have that girl on her knees in flash. This is going to sound ridiculous, but I'm not a jealous person normally. Now don't laugh so hard you injure yourself. I don't envy others the things that they have. Usually. I do not know why I am a jealous bitch when it comes to you, but I am. I've always known that she was more than an acquaintance. I'm not stupid. I can hear that you care for her in your voice. I guess this should make me feel better. It doesn't. I think it hurts more. Do you really think I hate her? No. I don't hate her. I hate that you care for her. I hate that she is there with you. I hate that she is tiny. I hate that she is lovely. I hate that she gets you up close and personal, and I don't.

She represents everything that I don't have, everything that I want, and everything that I'll never be. She gets you in person. She gets to touch you. She gets to see your smile. She is beautiful, and young, and sweet. And you want to care for her, and be gentle with her.

Don't you think that there is part of me that wants that? That would like to be taken care of like that too? That wonders what it is about me that you want to make me cry, and yet there is someone else you want to care for and protect? I will feel very small, and very inadequate. I will feel like it will never matter what I perversities I attempt, or the thousand things I will do for you. I will never be the person that you want to be sweet to. Do I get that you give me something I need when I'm crying, yeah, I get that. But there is that part of me that when I'm finished crying, wants you to treat me with the care you reserve for her.

And what kills me, is that I could feel your dissapointment yesterday when you heard she probably wouldn't go. And I was dissapointed for you. What the hell? I should have been estactic. But I wasn't. Because I always will want for you the things that you want, and the things that make you happy. Even if they make me cry.


So today, or tomorrow, my thoughts will drift. I will be smiling to the world, while my heart breaks.