Renee Pelagie: Can I impart to you his cruellest trick.
Dr. Royer-Collard: Of course.
Renee Pelagie: Once, long ago in the folly of youth, he made me love him
Quills - 2000
Dear Master,
Day 3. I woke trembling with need after dreaming of you. Dreaming of you and her together. Even in my sleep I am haunted by thoughts of you. I crave you in ways I never had, nor ever expected.
I love you. It occured to me that this makes the suffering what it is. I ache for you in the ways that I do, because I love you. I love you in a way I've not loved anyone else. I have shared with you things I've never shared with anyone, and never expect to share with anyone else. You know me like no one else has. You have heard me at my lowest point, and used it for your pleasure.
You truly own me. This is a fact I have acknowledged for a long time, but I believe my understanding of this rather simple fact is changing.
If you didn't, if this was a game - the craving would not be the same, I think. The ache that my heart and cunt is experiences would not be as intense ... would not be as affecting, as it is.
Today was a long day. It started with trembling, and progressed to full blown "My God I Can't Take Anymore" very rapidly. I caught myself starting to cry ... and I forced it down. I choked back every tear that wanted to be shed, and made the torment my anchor. I let the pain and ache course through my body and heart, and used it to send you perverse messages that I hoped would please you. I used it to shed my lack of self esteem and buy myself something pretty that I felt good in, felt sexy in ... and I spent time with my little girl.
The torment didn't go away. I had to fight for the composure to be with my family. My imagination is still actively imagining your weekend with her. What is happening with her, what you are doing with her. I see soft kisses, and touches. I feel your heart beating faster. I feel your breath against her skin as if it is my own. The what ifs have not ceased. My curiousity has only increased with your refusal to let me know what is happening, which is of course, your right. They continue to push their way into my existence and make my heart beat faster ... my pussy twitch, and my nipples harden. I feel like a complete whore. Humiliation is my constant companion.
Underneath it all .... underneath the humiliation and aching, is the fear of what is to come. The unknown both scares me ... and excites me.
with a love beyond reason,
your whore
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