Selfish Clod

“The true joy of life [is] being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one ... being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown to the scrap heap ... being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish clod of ailments and grievances.” George Bernard Shaw

It is a wonder to me at times, when we can fight so hard against something, to realize we've become the thing we are fighting against.

To be beaten down by the demands of others is a refrain I hear myself repeat often. I bitch about being used, being a doormat, ... blah blah blah. I often find myself praying for solitude, wishing that everyone would go away for a moment so I could breathe ... think.

Today I got a good hard look at myself, and realized I'd become those I wish would go away. I've become "a feverish, selfish clod of ailments and grievances."

For someone who prides themselves on being compassionate, kind and standing up for those in need, I've sure been acting like a selfish, spoiled brat.

If my joy in life is truly outwardly focused, that I truly find happiness in being a compassionate and giving person - then turning my attention inward isn't going to make me happy.

And bitching about the people who I feel use me, is a bit ridiculous.

So what is the issue? Finding the balance.

Somewhere there is a middle ground. Somewhere where I don't lose myself - I can remain the compassionate person I believe myself to be - and still be able to take care of myself.

I don't want to be someone who rails at the world for being unfair, and then takes no stand to make my existence any better.

And I cannot expect someone to do it for me. If I do, then I've turned myself in to the same people I complain about.