Waves

"Damn that is cold" - Me, circa 1985, stepping in to Grand Traverse bay on Lake Michigan.

What's funny about that statement, is that I've repeated it so many times when stepping in to Michigan or Huron. (Lord knows you don't swim in Lake Superior) And yet, I always continue walking into the water of the Great Lakes, feeling the waves crash into me, eventually standing with my back to them, letting them catch me and carry me to where they will. Hopefully, and most often to the shore. Where I stand for a moments shivering before turning, and wading back into the waters of my childhood, and more than likely my future.

I got to sea the ocean last year. It was the first time I stood in salt water. And it was beautiful. And I could imagine myself lying on those waves the same as the waves of my childhood. So similar and yet different. (and damn if it wasn't just as cold)

Yes, I do have a point, I'm just being verbose and full of imagery ... sue me, its my blog.

There is this deep need in me. I can go days, sometimes weeks without feeling its force. Not that it isn't always there. It is. I'm even aware of it. In those times it is subtle. Lying in wait just underneath my skin. Ready to surface at any time, rising through of the layers of everyday life.

When it hits, though, it is not unlike stepping into those cold waters. You love it, fear it, hate it, relish it, feel it resonate in all of your bones. It is in a word definitive. It propels you to jump in regardless of the waves.

and just like waves, the more you fight them the harder it is. Swimming against them is impossible, it takes your breath away. But riding them, :sigh: you are swept in a magnicent journey that can be scary and wonderful all at once.

Here is the rub though .... riding the waves is a delirious, joyous, fearful thing. You give control over to something wild and wonderful. The wave can carry you laughing or crying back to shore depending on the day, or the pull of the moon. It may decide to lull you to sleep, or to send you crashing in to shore. But lets be clear, stepping in to the waters is not a decision. Its already been made for me. It was carefully contstructed in to my psyche to crave those waters as part of my life ... my existence. I gave myself over to that long ago. It is a built in ache that can crash through the surface of my existence at any time.

The scary part is when you realize that while you need the wave .... the ride, the thrill, the abandon of control, the fear, ... the unknown ..........


The wave doesn't need you.

Courage vs Cowardice

“Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.” - Winston Churchill

If that is truly the definition, then I'm a terribly courageous person.


Have you ever faced a situation where you truly didn't know if how you reacted / acted was courageous or cowardice?

I've been away from blogging for several months. I've in fact strayed from writing anything, and that is more than likely cowardice. Writing forces me to face things I don't like about myself. Or rather, forces me to push away the things that keep me from writing in the first place. I've never been confident that the words that trickle out of my head are really worth anything, let alone be good enough to share. Is it now courage that brings me back to blog land? Nah, not really. I still don't think anything that I write here will be all that great. But, it will be a place that's mine again. Where the words and ideas that float around my gray matter will find another home.

So if that's cowardice, is there anything in my life that I could count as courageous? I used to believe that sticking by my loved ones was, if not courageous, at least admirable. Loyal and faithful friend to the end, that's me. So despite being used and hurt, I used to think that it took some amount of courage to stick by someone.

Then I realized that to let myself be in that position. Where a friend or loved one continuously hurt me is not courageous. It isn't even admirable. Its cowardice. Its me believing that my own feelings are not equal to that of the other persons, and even more so, its me being afraid that I'm not worth being treated better. And sometimes, its even being afraid that the other person will leave me.

But that's another post.