Letters to Master - Day 1

Mon Maitre,

I have to be strong for many people in my life. My daughter ... my family, and friends. Thank you for allowing me to both feel stripped of power, yet find the strength to endure.

After many days of torment, today you executed a well thought out plan. You brought me to the edge of ecstacy using your will to do it. You fed my humiliation and brought out my tears. You fucked me to the edge, and then drove me harder and faster. Closer, and then ...

Made me stop.

It wasn't the stopping that caused the pain ... it was the goodbye. I couldn't face it, and so I begged. I begged for you to stay with me, even for a moment, so I wouldn't be alone. Even though I throbbed for release, and still do ... I didn't beg for that ... only begged for you to not abandon me. Feeling merciful, you granted it. You calmed me and then left me. Alone and aching for only you. My pussy dripping down my thighs and my heart in a knot, because now I know you will be turning your attention elsewhere, and I will exist in torment for the next few days.

Days earlier your promised to break me when you finally let me cum. You have taunted me daily about possibly letting me cum, or possibly not. The days ensuing have been filled with dread, but also with a newfound appreciation for the sweetness of torment. Knowing that I will cum, and you will break me is ... well, the only way I can express it is sweet torture. Not being given a choice or having choices made for you is freeing in way that not everyone can appreciate. But in my life, where I have to be responsible for so many things, having to not make a choice is a freedom I relish.

Tomorrow you will be with your little kitten, and I, your whore, will be miserable. I will imagine your hands on her, her sweet kisses ... where you will touch her, and if you will give her the release that you denied me - and will you enjoy it more, and will I cease to exist for you in that moment. The what ifs in my brain will spin their infinite web.

And this pattern will repeat itself as the days of the weekend drag on ... and I wait until you are ready for your whore.

Until then, I will ache for you. I will find ways to distract myself from my throbbing cunt ... I will catch myself staring into space wondering what you are doing ... I will text you perverse thoughts with the hope that I stay in your thoughts even while you are caressing your kitten. I will document my thoughts as the weekend hours drag on.

And when you are ready for me, after enduring this sweet torture, I will beg you to break me.

With a love beyond reason,

your whore

What am I?

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding." - Anais Nin
I am not dumb, nor incapable. I am an intelligent strong woman. I am not a doormat (well, I try not to be). I am the cornerstone of my family, the friend that never gives up on anyone. I am loyal. I can lead a meeting, and I can wrangle a classroom. I can present to executives, and hold my own with my Military counterparts.

But, I am submissive.

I will give him what he wants. I will accept his will. I will accept the pleasure and pain he gives me, and I will thank him for it. I will be his whore, his pet, his dark angel ... his savior if need be.

But it will be for him.

My mind and soul lay naked before him, and I will obey.

Not because I am weak. But because I am strong.

Humiliation

“Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment” ~ Karen Crockett

Wow, I know I've only been blogging for awhile, and I still doubt that anyone is paying any attention, but I can't believe I don't already have a post titled "Humiliation".

Being that I don't understand why humiliation is something I crave now, its hard to write about. It is akin to the dichotomy between pleasure and pain. Maybe it feeds in my own self perception, ... I suppose that I could get all psychological about it, but the bottom line is that it just trips my trigger in a big way.

To be stripped down to bare bones, and left as just someone's amusement? ... Yeah, hot.

Dream a Little Dream

Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kissI
’m longin’ to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

Dream a Little Dream - Louie Armstrong

I've always been a dreamer. From probably my teen years on, I wove fantasys in my head. Probably to deny the reality of my existence. I, like many a young girl before me, dreamed of the romance that would come and sweep me off my feet. Take me away from the gray existence I was living.

I guess I haven't changed that much. I'm still capable of conjuring fantasy. Still able to dream of things I don't have. If I could channel that in to something, my dreaming would be a blessing.

Other times, my dreams just haunt me.

Some day, as with everything, I'll get it right.

What can I say?

No really .... tell me. Cause I just dont have the words.

Clumsy

Seems like I can find a song lyric for any situation, huh?

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless

Clumsy - Chris Rice

I seem to trip and fall over words I haven't said. I used to think I was a good communicator, but the last few months have found me tripping over my words more often than not. I find myself struggling to be clear, to make my feelings clear. I fail to do that, and then feel foolish.

Maybe its because I feel a bit lost. A bit unanchored. A bit unsure of where I'm at. That unsettle feeling leaves me feeling lost for words. And instead of being quiet, I overuse words. I let them spill out, and then can't take them back. What I am thinking can't be deciphered from the diarrea of the mouth that I'm having.

Maybe its time to just shut up, and wait for the coherency to come back.

Aching

Hear me
Take me
Mold me
Break me,
oh God
Just fill all of me
As i fall into You

~~Fall Into You by Evanescence~~

That exquiste pain of anticipation and unknowing. Sweet torture. The ache that starts deep inside and spreads outward until my whole body arches towards that release that is ... withheld. Knowing that as it grows, you will do anything...be anything to Him.

Sigh. Yeah.

Torment

I've already told you: the only way to a woman's heart is along the path of torment. I know none other as sure. Marquis de Sade

Sigh. A dichotomy for sure. Torment and ecstasy. Somewhere in my ramblings I posted a quote about one of life's greatest luxuries is to be so turned on that you want to screw a hole in the wall.

Color me screwed.

I want him so badly, I can taste it on the tip of my tongue like a sweet wine that lingers there. Mixed with that is the knowing of his want for someone else. It makes the ache that much more intense. My brain wars with itself between lust and sadness. Ecstasy and torture.

It builds with each passing moment, and will until the ache can be met by the person who creates it.

Only for it to begin again.

Imagination

Imagination
Writer(s): van heusen/burke

Imagination is funny
It makes a cloudy day sunny
It makes a bee think of honey
Just as I think of you

Imagination is crazy
Your whole perspective gets hazy
Starts you asking a daisy
What to do, what to do

Have you ever felt a gentle touch
And then a kiss, and then and then
Find it’s only your imagination again

Imagination is silly
You go around willy nilly
For example I go around wanting you
And yet I can’t imagine that you want me too


Having a vivid imagination can be a blessing or a curse. The imaginative mind can produce writing so alive with detail you can feel the event happening. But for every wonderous moment that an imaginative mind can produce .... it can produce an equally horrific moment. Combine that with a mind that dwells on the what-ifs of life, and you can begin to see where the curse part comes in.

For example

I can see them together. He is standing behind her, his hands at his waist that move slowly up and under her shirt, until he is cupping small soft breasts. His lips finding the skin of her neck, kissing her soft scented skin slowly upwards. Reaching her earlobe, and whispering to her.

"You make me hard."

I can feel her sigh reverberate through him as if it were my own. Her shudder against him, that resonates through his body, and stiffens him even more. I can see her turning in his arms, her small hands resting on his biceps. She tilts her face to kiss him, and he laces her fingers behind her neck, keeping her close. I can feel my own heart beat in rhythm with his, running faster.

You see? These are the thoughts that occupy me as I sit alone working. It grabs my mind and my heart. It feeds my jealousy. My own desire of wanting to stand in your arms.

And then:

For example I go around wanting you
And yet I can’t imagine that you want me too

That's where my mind leaves me. Spinning in infinite circles.

Unreasonable

Hate has a reason for everything. But love is unreasonable.

- V. Raiuhes Ahaefvthe

I really can't say that any better. If you think of the things you hate, you come up with many reasons. But sometimes, the love you have for something or someone can't be explained other than that you love it/them.

I find that the love that I hold has no boundaries. Though, that makes it tough to take care of myself.

Maybe I should give myself some love too.

Fuck it

I sat down to write something happy. Maybe introspective. Maybe something that would just delight someone to no end.

But you know what? I'm just so fucking tired of taking other people's shit, that I'm just going to say fuck it and go to bed.

I'm not a fucking rude bitch. And holy fucking hell I don't need to be dumped on by the people that profess to love me. I've got my faults. I can be jealous, and passive aggressive. And I know I have low fucking self esteem. But I am kind, and I am compassionate - and I am a good fucking person. And no one has the right to treat me like I don't have feelings, just because I am not aggressive.

No whining. No self pity. No fucking playing the victim. I'm just going to fucking take care of myself.

Dichotomy

Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, Anyone loved can be lost.

Falling for the First Time - Barenaked Ladies

Such is life, yes? Things that seem easy, have incredible cost. Things that cause the most pain can have the highest reward.

Yet we rarely stop to see these dichotomies in life. We see easy, and expect easy. We see beauty and expect beauty inside and out. We see plain, and don't expect the poetry within.

We are given pain, and don't expect pleasure. Yet, I've experienced pain that has become pleasure, and vice versa.

Shedding our preconceived notions is what allows us to find out these things. That shows us that the edge of a knife can be as pleasurable as the softest of kisses.

And for this lesson, I will be eternally grateful.

Stress

“Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet” ~Anon

What ifs crowd my mind. Eventually, when my mind cannot hold not one more "what if" my body takes control and says, "enough, everyone out of the pool. The deep end is getting too crowded."

What can I say? I'm there. I'm tired. My body decided that my mind needs a vacation, so it forced it to shut down all major functions, and just exist for awhile. The what ifs settle to a dull roar, while my body takes the rest that my mind didn't want to give it.

And if the dual personality thing sounds confusing, it is.

Think of Me

Christine:

We never said
our love
was evergreen,
or as unchanging
as the sea -
but please
promise me,
that sometimes
you will think
of me

Think of Me - Phantom of the Opera

Sometimes I think that all of humanity operates on the simple principle that we wish to not be forgotten by those we hold dear. We seek to leave some sort of mark. Not a footprint, for footprints are washed away, or scattered to the wind.

And so these lines ring more true to me right now than ever before. Because this is my fear, that I will be forgotten in the tests of time. That whatever imprint that I have been able to leave on someone's soul will fade, and I will, like a footprint left in the sand, be washed away.

Maybe I should just start wearing cleats.

Seeing Yourself ... in Spongebob?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Hi, Kevin. I'm your biggest fan.
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: That's nice. Security!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, no! I'll do anything you want!
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: Go jump off a building. [SpongeBob jumps off building, returns] SpongeBob SquarePants: Anything.
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: Punch yourself in the face. [SpongeBob punches himself with a boxing glove]
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: Doesn't that hurt?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Puts on a metal gauntlet with spikes] Do you want it to hurt, Kevin?

I saw this episode last night. And while I've seen this episode a hundred plus times, and laughed every time, I never really applied it to me. Last night though, while I laughed myself silly, I realized that I could have uttered those exact same lines.

Would I do anything? I suppose anything is relative. Everyone has limits. But, when it comes right down to it, there isn't a whole lot I wouldn't. Even when it is painful. Or maybe, especially if its painful. That's the part I haven't quite figured out yet.

Until then, maybe I'll just keep watching Spongebob. Maybe the meaning of life is in there somewhere.

Smelling the Crap vs the Roses

Don't the hours grow shorter as the days go by
You never get to stop and open your eyes
One minute you're waiting for the sky to fall
The next you're dazzled by the beauty of it all

Lover's in a Dangerous Time - Barenaked Ladies

Life sneaks up on you. One day, you are 21 with your eyes full of light and wonder, and the whole world is your playground. The next day you are 35, and you wonder where the days have gone, and begin to realize that things are neither as wonderful or as terrible as they seem.

So much time I have spent waiting for the sky to fall. Worry upon worry piling up until it is an insurmountable mountain.

Too few times have I been dazzled by the beauty of it all. Not that I haven't seen it. I've seen a little boy become a little angel, and I've experienced the joy of parenthood. But not enough have I looked around and seen the beauty in life's moments.

I've always had this weird ability to stand outside myself, and record events for later recollection or use. Almost as if I am storing things for a later biography. Not really an autobiography, because I can almost see my life as someone else may see it.

If I indeed were to take stock of life thus far, I would say that I need to spend more time finding those moments of incredible beauty. So that when the sky does fall, I am not burdened by its weight.

Later in the above quoted song, the lyrics say:

Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight
You gotta kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight.

Life has its periods of darkness, indeed. But with the tiniest bit of hope, there is light.

Happiness

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” - Frederick Koenig

It seems as of late, I have been consumed with the things I don't have. And I have been unhappy. That is unfair not only to those around me, but to myself as well.

I am a blessed individual. I have a beautiful, independent, intelligent daughter, who will more than likely grow up to be stronger than I ever hope to be. I have a family, that while neurotic, sticks by each other. My parents have been married 40 years on Sunday. I have a home and a good job, and reasonable skills that would ensure that I keep said job.

And the bottom line is that I would never intentionally take away someone's happiness for my own sake. Quite the opposite is true. More than likely I will facilitate away for that person to stay happy.

Only I can decide to be happy. No one can make me happy, and I have plenty of reasons to be happy. It is not a bad thing to dream or reach for things that you want. After so many years of denying myself and ignoring my needs for the needs of others, I think its acceptable to dream and hope for things.

Growing up Catholic, I attended St. Francis of Assisi Parish. Obviously, given the name of the Parish, we prayed the prayer of St. Francis constantly in my youth. The entire prayers sticks with me to this day, as it is something I truly try to live by. But the part that really zero's in for me is this:

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned

The prayer recognizes that selflessness is a mean to an end. By loving freely, we are opening ourselves up to joy. But it never says that we shouldn't seek to fulfill our dreams.

Today I choose to recognize and appreciate the things I have, to love others completely and to not feel selfish about the things I desire.

Trust

Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. ~ Alfred Adler

Is that just a pretty way to say that actions speak louder than words?

Someone I love told me that my tears are wasted on an unkind world. I'm not sure what to think of that. I put everything I have into caring for the people I love. Is that wasted?

I'd like to think it wasn't. I'd like to believe that my compassion and love is not wasted. But I'm not sure that I do.

I don't want to pity myself. I love because I love. And I give because I give. But everyone has a limit. How often can you put yourself out there before you want to scream "ITS MY TURN"!

I don't know. I want to believe the nice things people say, but the tears I've cried stops me. They leave me feeling insecure, and unsure.

Self Sacrifice

And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts living
In two separate worlds

Sacrifice - Bernie Taupin & Elton John

What is a sacrifice? What is self sacrifice? Is it a sacrifice if you gain something?

I would think that the definition means that you gain nothing. But what if you gain emotional benefits. The knowledge that you have sacrificed something for someone can be uplifting, and acutally be a downright satisfying feeling.

Maybe it all hinges on whether the sacrificer really feels its a sacrifice.

Maybe I just think too much, or have taken too many Advil.

Me

“If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't follow. I'd be at the bottom to catch them when they fall.” - Anon

And not just the first time. Time and time again, I'll stand there and wait with arms opened, ready for the catch.

Sometimes I don't even drop them.

Beyond Reason

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. ~Nietzsche

I love you for many reasons. For your intelligence, sensibilities, capabilities, and wit. For your creativity, philosphy, and support. I love you because you love animals. Because you would stop to help a woman on the road. I love you for many reasons, and for no reason at all.

I love you because you are you, and I know no other way.

I lay my heart bare to you, and offer what I can. I can only hope that it is enough.

Perceptions

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin

As hard as we may try to be objective, its near impossible to see the world without wearing the glasses of our perceptions. We view the world through our experiences, emotions, and personality.

Empathy can teach us to stretch ourselves. To put ourselves in another's world. But until you experience that pain for yourself, you won't truly feel it.