Halloween

When I was a kid, I loved Halloween. Looking back, I know it is because it let me be anything other than what I was. I could be prettier, stronger, more glamorous, and as I got older sexier.

It let me be a fantasy. Escape into another world. One where I wasn't shy. Wasn't the kid with the out of control curls, and the hand me down clothes.

My list of costumes certainly reflects that ... Snow White, Princess Leia, Cleopatra, a Cat, and of course, being the 80s, a fabulous punk rocker.

I realized when I woke up today, that I still love Halloween. I wish that today I could shed myself and become something else. Something ... well, the same things I wished when I was a kid.

I suppose its sad really, wishing to be a fantasy. But somedays, its better than looking in the mirror. So tomorrow, maybe I'll try to wake up and accept who I am, maybe even appreciate who I've become. But today, I think I'll lose myself in a fantasy.

Letters to Mon Maitre

Dear Master,

Ah, but you did not know I would write directly to you ... surprise.

I wonder if you get tired of this, of me. Of how much I want you. Especially, these days when my cunt is throbbing for your voice. Your thick hard cock. When my day is interrupted by thoughts of being your utterly depraved whore.

Do you tire of that? Of hearing it? Should I keep it to myself?

But, it is so delicious and terrible. That feeling of being utterly devoted to waiting until you say so. That delicious twitch in my cunt that is begging to be scratched. That terrible feeling of wondering what you are doing, and who you are doing it with. Of hoping that you spare me a thought ... or a dream.

The longing to be anything you want me to be. Wanting to beg, and plead. Needing that pat on the head for being a good girl.

Yes. Delicious + Terrible = Bliss.

With my love,

votre putain

Pain, redux

E. Edward Grey: Why do you cut yourself, Lee?
Lee: I don't know.
E. Edward Grey: Is it that sometimes the pain inside has to come to the surface, and when you see evidence of the pain inside you finally know you're really here? Then, when you watch the wound heal, it's comforting... isn't it?
Lee: I... That's a way to put it.

From Secretary

I've never seen this movie, though I want to. This quote smacked me across the face in a very real way though.

I'm not a cutter. Never had any inclination to be. I also never thought I would find myself shoving a needle through my flesh and at some point finding it pleasurable.

But this makes sense to me more in the sense of real emotional pain. Why do I crave to be debased to the point of a babbling idiot?

Maybe because it allows me to feel the pain that's already there, and let it out into the world. Give it a life outside of me and release it.

But, the crucial point is finally releasing it. I think maybe that's where I fail too often.

Feeling

“I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.” Anais Nin

Right now, reality doesn't impress me whatsoever. I want to escape into life. A life lived creatively, without bounds. Where imagination and dreams are lived to fulfilment, not shoved into a back corner of my brain.

I do not want to be told how to feel. I want to feel, and feel everything. Pain, hurt, love, ... all of it.

What I am Not

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. ~Author Unknown

Whoever wrote that, wrote it about me.

Every day I wake up and remember all the things I'm not. And it renders me stagnant. Forward motion stops because of all the things I THINK I'm not.

I'm not good enough, smart enough, tall enough, skinny enough ... Enough is enough, really.

And until I can tell myself what I am with authority and believe it ... I'll still be standing here.

Love

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love. " Rose Walker - The Sandman by Neil Gaiman

My Grandmother, God Bless her, always said, "Love goes where its sent, even if its up a pig's ass". It always made me laugh, because I always wondered if that's how she felt about her 50+ years of marriage.

But, Love, that great motivator of Life, does do exactly that. It doesn't choose based on predictable measures, or quantifiable qualities. Thus, people find themselves in love, or loving in the oddest of times, and in the most unlikely of places. Thus, it goes where it will.

Love causes Pain. Not pain. Pain, with a capital P. The most intense pain. No one that has ever felt the pain of a love lost, or unrequited love would tell you any different. It really is a "soul pain". When you give someone pieces of yourself, its as if you lose those parts of you when that love is gone, or unreturned.

And so the question becomes, is it worth it?

Of course it is. Everytime you give out a piece of yourself, you make room for something new, and exciting. It isn't an empty void, its just a place that is ready to be filled. So maybe you do lose those parts of yourself that you were .... you've just emptied out spaces for who you will become.

I have never loved, and not gotten something in return. Even unrequited love has given me something, even if it was an appreciation for what I did not have, or what I ended up not missing.

So, no, unlike the quote, I do not Hate Love. I don't always understand it. And over the years, I have shed many tears for its loss. But I have never regretted it. It has always left me feeling stronger in the long run. It has shaped me into the person I am. And will shape me into whatever I am to become.

But, that's another blog.

Fear .. .part two or three ...

I'm sure I've written about fear before. It seems to be a common thing for me. I imagine it is for many. I'm not sure when fear became such a powerful motivator for me. Or rather, not a motivator, but the thing that kept me from reaching ...

I wanted to teach. I was afraid I couldn't find a job, and took the first one I could find ... 12 years later, I'm still there.

I was a great musician. I should have played in College. I should have at least minored in music. I didn't. I was too afraid to audition.

I want to write, and yet, I'm afraid that I'm not good enough.

Always this persistent fear that I will fail. Be not good enough.

The things that I am confident that I can do well are not things I do for myself, but for other people. I'm a great friend. I can edit like a whip. I give great advice. And I have the uncanny ability to give people exactly what they need at the time they need it. I love this about me. I love that I can be a great friend.

However, when will I stop being afraid to say that I'm worth as much as the people I give to.
I deserve to think better of myself. I deserve good things. I deserve to live life free from the overwhelming fear that I will fall short.

Recognizing these things is the easy part ... but am I too afraid to act?

Written in the Stars

From Pisces.com: They have an uncanny sense of perceiving what a person wants or needs, and delivering it.

Astrology made be a load of bullshit - but I've never seen anything written about a pisces that wasn't me. And when I saw that line, it creeped me out.

Is this why I am submissive? Or can be with little effort? Was it written at my birth?

Of course they also say that Pisces can be needy little bitches too.

Oh wait ... right again.

Fantasy

It's just a fantasy

It's not the real thing

But sometimes a fantasy

Is all you need

Just a Fantasy - Billy Joel

Ah, the crux of the situation. Am I real, or a fantasy?

Worry & Control

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment." Charles F. Kettering
Its that old adage about having control over your own reactions to events in your life. Nothing has the ability to cause you pain unless you allow it. To me, to a certain extent, this is bullshit. People will experience pain. To say that the pain of grief is something we choose is ridiculous in my estimation. What we learn from it, what we do with it, and where we go with it is the thing we can control.

Life causes pain. Death & Loss are unavoidable. Pain is unavoidable. Choosing how to deal with it is what we are given to do.

If I look back at the things that have occured in my life that have caused the most pain, they are also the things that I learned most from. The death of my T-Man, so young, taught me that life is precious, and we never know how much time we will have.

Maybe its a lesson that I need to keep in front of me, because I spend way too much time dwelling on things that I have no control over. Over the years, I have learned to let small things go that would have normally turned me inside out. Whether the car gets dinged, or the raise doesn't come through is not something that tears me up for days on end. But there are still things in life that I should spend less time worrying about. Is this person mad at me? Does this person love me? Is there something I should have done better? Is there something I can do better?

Its like I'm missing out on what the greatest pain in my life has taught me, and I put myself through all these little pains as if they are the greatest.

I don't know ... maybe I ramble, but I'm tired of watching my life go by with me worrying over the small things, when I know from experience that the pain can be so much worse.

Chasing Desire

Have you ever really wanted something? Desired it? Yearned for it? Felt it within your capacity to reach and as quickly as it was there, it disappeared into nothingness.

You ache for it. It is just as real to you as something you possessed. You feel the loss of potential. Unrealized expectations. It is not even a memory, but an impression of what could have been.

It is rarely things that fall into this category. Rather, it is things that hold more value. These are the crushes, friendships, lovers, and dreams.

Why do we feel pain for that which we have never had? Is it a sign of weakness? Or is it that part of us that is consciously seeking more? More love. More value. More worth.
Is it this ache, then, that keeps us from reaching? After time, is the accumlated ache to much for us to overcome? Does it burden us so deeply that we stop yearning for that new dream, that next love?

But who am I to ponder this? Just another casuality? Do I have the courage to stand and face that desire head on, and actually feel it in my grasp? Or will I watch it disappear into nothingness. Another dream drifted.

Dark Places

Everyone has a talent, what is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads. Erica Jong

I hope I have a lot of courage, because I plan to follow my talent to wherever it leads. I imagine when I get to that dark place, there is where the light will shine the brightest.

Now if I can just make up my mind what my talent is, or hell, even that I have one ... we'll be all set.